SOME CHEMISTRY hUMOR

Q. Why do they call He, Cm, and Ba the 'medical elements'?

A. Because, if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

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Q. Why did the electron cross the potential energy barrier ?

A. To place itself in a position parallel, yet perpendicular to its original starting location.

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Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he/she will change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

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A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he drowned and never returned.

The biologist said she wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. She too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".

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You Might be a Chemist if...

you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...

you don't drink water, you drink H₂O.

you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.

you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak hydrochloric acid spills happen.

you become very agitated when people refer to air as oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.

instead of writing ozone you write O₃.

you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.

you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.

you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.

you think a mole is a unit of amount, rather than a small furry animal in your lawn.

you pronounce unionized as "un-ion-ized", instead of "union-ized".

you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

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Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

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August 22, 2007noShade color=#000000>

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?  A True Story...

A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1: So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2: Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Suzie Smith during freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.

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Rules of the Lab

1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

3. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.

4. First draw your curves, then plot your data.

5. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.

6. A record of data is essential, it shows that you've been working.

7. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

8. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.

9. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.

10. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.

11. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

12. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.

13. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

14. Unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

15. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.

16. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it. (Law of Spontaneous Fission)

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A Brief List of Scientific Literature Definitions

It has been long known = I haven't bothered to check the references

It is known = I believe

It is believed = I think

It is generally believed = My colleagues and I think

There has been some discussion = Nobody agrees with me

It can be shown = Take my word for it

It is proven = It agrees with something mathematical

Of great theoretical importance = I find it interesting

Of great practical importance = This justifies my employment

Of great historical importance = This ought to make me famous

Some samples were chosen for study = The others didn't make sense

Typical results are shown = The best results are shown

Correct within order of magnitude = Wrong

The values were obtained empirically= The values were obtained by accident

The results are inconclusive = The results seem to disprove my hypothesis

Additional work is required = Someone else can work out the details

It might be argued that = I have a good answer to this objection

The investigations proved rewarding = My grant has been renewed

Synthesized according to standard protocols = Purchased

While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions = The experiment didn't work, but I wanted to publish anyway

Extremely high purity = Composition unknown except for the exaggerated claims of the supplier

Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study = The results on the others didn't make sense and were ignored

Handled with extreme care during the experiments = Not dropped on the floor

Typical results are shown = The best results are shown

Satisfactory = Doubtful

It might be argued that = I have such a good answer for this objection that I shall now raise it

It is clear that much additional work will be required for a complete understanding of = I didn't understand it

Thanks to A for assistance with the experiment and to B for valuable discussions = A did the work and B explained what it meant to me

Pretty linear = nonlinear

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A Chemist's Last Words...

And now the taste test... And now shake it a bit...What's that smell?In which glass was my mineral water? Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!? And now the detonating gas problem...This is a completely safe experimental setup. Now you can take the protection window away... Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

And now a cigarette...

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Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.